When I was in a class for slow learners I got a detention for speed reading.

I have a fear of phobias. I guess that makes me phobiaphobic.

I moved to San Diego because I’m a fair-weather fan.

If you wish upon a star you are very far away.

A little pain never hurt anybody.

I worry so much about getting insomnia that it keeps me up all night.

When you learn something, do you gain weight?

What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no eye deer.

I was so short in high school that my guidance counselor suggested I be a caddie at a miniature golf course.

Whether needed or not, I change my underwear on a weekly basis.

I speak only one language fluently - gibberish.

A bad biology joke: What do you call two mice? A paramecium.

I feel uncomfortable in hospitals because everything seems so sterile.

My proverb: Man of few words has limited vocabulary.

Loners of the world unite!

I got an “A” in my college ethics class. I cheated on the final.

Why all the fuss about finding life on other planets? I’m still trying to figure out if there’s intelligent life on Earth.

The coffee I drink is made from only the finest of instant coffee beans.

I bought a can of evaporated milk. When I opened it there was nothing in it. Silly me for not believing the label.

Before Samaria was given the name Samaria it was just known as some area.

My dyslexic dog things he’s God.

I tried to train my pet lion to be a vegetarian. I gave him lettuce, carrots and celery, which he readily devoured. I then put a rabbit in his cage to see if he truly was a vegetarian. Poor bunny. Some rabbits die hard.

I don’t trust optometrists. Every one of their eye charts is spelled wrong.

I came to a fork in the road…so I picked it up.

Some no Gouda cheeses were holed up together in a Swiss jail cell.  The Gorgonzola said to the Colby, “You Cheddar watch out for the one in the corner – he’s a real Muenster.  And tell the guard that the Parmesan is a suicide risk because he’s looking very Blue.  Never leave the Provolone.  I’m a little worried, too, about the Asiago - he hasn’t been Edam for days.  And boy does that Limburger need a bath.  You Feta get us outta here soon!”