My father and mother are no longer living…on this planet.

I have no more friends. They have all been abducted by aliens.

My hair is colored.

My skin is pigmented.

I am taller than some, shorter than others.

My average temperature is 98.6 in the shade.

I’m so laid back that I’m classified as a lukewarm-blooded animal.

My favorite reading material is anything written in English.

I went to school for many years, some voluntarily and others at gunpoint.

I have degrees in Fahrenheit and centigrade.

I don’t smoke…cigarettes.

I don’t drink…anything.

I have eyes in the back of my head. However, all I can see is the back of my head.

Ducks have webbed feet. I have a webbed uvula.

I’d show you my birthmark, but it’s on the inside of my body.

I am housebroken.

I think personal hygiene is overrated.

I have only a few mildly irritating habits.

People say I’m conceited because I always look down on them. I can’t help it - I’m eight feet tall.

I want to be known as the most humble person in all the world.

I’m an eternal optimist…because my blood type is B positive.

There is a battle raging inside my body between my immune system and Klingons.

I’m so modest I shower with my clothes on.

I have such a bad speech problem that I stutter even when I talk in my sleep.

The reason I have such low self-esteem is that I was given a Social Insecurity Number - zero.

My birth certificate was destroyed in the Chicago Fire.

My death certificate is on file with the Southampton County Clerk of Courts. The cause of death says “To be determined.”